Sunday, May 15, 2016

Jewish Jokes.....too good to miss telling again.. Please. Enjoy!!

 

These are great!

 



 

Those fabulous 
Jewish Comedians
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of 
Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey 
Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny 
Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie 
Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny 
Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Peter 
Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George 
Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney 
Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
and so many others.

 

And 
there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a 
few
examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my 
mother-in-law to the 
airport.

 

* I've been in love with the same woman 
for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

 

* What are 
three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm 
home!"

 

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. 
The thief
spends
less than my wife did.

 

* We always hold hands. If 
I let go, she shops.

 

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we 
spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and 
cried.

 

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife 
called it
the Dead Sea .

 

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. 
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two 
days. Then the mud fell off.

 

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. 
The man couldn't pay his bill so
the doctor gave him another six 
months.

 

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check 
came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

 

* Doctor: 
"You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell 
you?"

 


* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't 
answer!"

 

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been 
brought here
for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get 
started."

 


* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth 
it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like 
Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that 
Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.

 

There is a big controversy on 
the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not 
considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.

 

Q: Why don't 
Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q: 
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone 
finish a sentence!

 

A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are 
you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son 
said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten 
in
38
days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten 
in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be 
filled with food
if you should call."

 

A Jewish boy comes home from 
school and tells his mother he has a part in the
play. She asks,
"What 
part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The 
mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a 
speaking 
part."

 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light 
bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a 
nuisance
to anybody."

 

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They 
tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.

 

Did you hear about the bum who 
walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten 
in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

 

Q: What's the 
difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the 
Rottweiler lets go.

 

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because 
Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Save the earth, it's the 
only planet with 
chocolate!!