Those fabulous
Jewish Comedians
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey
Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny
Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie
Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny
Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Peter
Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George
Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney
Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
and so many others.
And
there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a
few
examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the
airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman
for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!
* What are
three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm
home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief
spends
less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If
I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we
spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and
cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it
the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two
days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so
the doctor gave him another six
months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor:
"You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't
answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here
for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get
started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth
it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
There is a big controversy on
the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not
considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.
Q: Why don't
Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q:
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone
finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are
you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son
said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten
in
38
days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten
in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be
filled with food
if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from
school and tells his mother he has a part in the
play. She asks,
"What
part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The
mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking
part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance
to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They
tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who
walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten
in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the
difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the
Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because
Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Save the earth, it's the
only planet with
chocolate!!
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