Friday, June 3, 2016

Craig's List Ad (rerun) ...


  

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me

in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black
Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you
pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.  You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.  I can only hope
that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for
your embarrassment; 

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. 

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket
for a reason.. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my
2nd tour as a Combat
 Marine in Afghanistan
.. she had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure
it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes,
cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running
to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I calledyour mother

or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, 

-- on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes

to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ..... After I broke the windshield and side
window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to
get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning 

President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense
and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In
a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this
type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity

to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider,
the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you
might not be so lucky. Have a good day
!

Thoughtfully yours. Semper fi ,

Alex

Probably don't have To ask
you to forward this one. 

It is priceless. :-)