HUMOR or Humour > A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' > The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' > The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' > The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' > The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. > He paused for a moment and then started to leave. > The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' > The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in! > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Lemon Squeeze > There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. > > Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' > The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' > The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.' > The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' > The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' > The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Catholic Dog > Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' > Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church ... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' > Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' > Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Donation > Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' > 'It is!' > 'This is the IRS . Can you help us?' > 'I can!' > 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' > 'I do!' > 'Is he a member of your congregation?' > 'He is!' > 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' > 'He will.' > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Confession > An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: > Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' > Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' > Man: 'What sins?' > Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' > Man: 'I'm Jewish.' > Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' > Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Brothel Trip > An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. > 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. > '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' > 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Senility > An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile ... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' > 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Marriage Humour > Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' > Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?' > Wife : 'Yes or No.' > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' > > He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Husbands are husbands > A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. > 'What was that for?' the man asked. > The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ... > The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ... > Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. > > Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. > Wife replied ... 'Your horse phoned ...' > > Let us pray ... > > Give me a sense of humour, Lord, > Give me the grace to see a joke, > To get some humour out of life, > And pass it on to others. >

So funny!  enjoy -

Deadly Eight Iron

 
Off the seventh tee, Ray wickedly sliced his drive deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and rappelled down the steep embankment in search of his errant ball.
 
After countless minutes of laboriously slashing at the dense underbrush, he finally spotted something glistening silver in the matted leaves and mud. As he trudged nearer to the object, he was stunned to discover that it was an eight iron in the bony hands of a skeleton!
 
Ray instantly called out frantically to his partner, "Nick, I've got major trouble down here!"
 
"What's the matter" The now concerned Nick called back from the edge of the abyss.
 
"Throw me my wedge," Ray shouted. "I’ve just realized there’s no way in hell I can get out of here with an eight iron!"
 

Voting in Chicago VOTING IN CHICAGO: My Uncle was a staunch conservative and voted a straight-line Republican ticket until the day he died.  BUT ,,,,, Now, he votes Democrat.

VERY Rare photo

 Howard Stern's interview

Regardless of your choice of candidate or political party you should be disgusted by the ignorance of the voting populace.

Obama must be very proud of his supporters!  They are out there voting and multiplying………very scary, indeed.

This short audio clip is unbelievable!  And these people have the power to VOTE!!!  

Why can’t voters pass a test first in order to cast a vote on the various political platforms???!!!!  Very scary

http://realclearpolitics.com/video/2012/09/24/howard_stern_interviews_obama_supporters_2012.html

Nurse Has Heart Attack - Describes what women feel when having a Heart Attack

 

FYI Ladies-please take this seriously- and gentlemen, tell and watch your female loved ones--My pains were somewhat  different than this lady's, and I was sent to the hospital right away and had triple bypass surgery the next morning-the doc said I had renewed his faith in Angels, as I must have had 10,000 of them watching over me, because he had no other explanation for my not having had a major heart attack prior to arriving for the bypass surgery.

So, any weird symptoms involving the feelings of extreme/unusual indigestion, etc., get that call to 911 immediately.

 

  

Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2012  

 

 

 

Nurse has heart attack and describes what women feel when having one.....                  NURSE'S HEART ATTACK EXPERIENCE I am an ER nurse and this is the best description of this event that I have ever heard. Please read, pay attention, and send it on! FEMALE HEART ATTACKS I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I've ever read.  Women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have ... you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in movies. Here is the story of one woman's experience with a heart attack.  I had a heart attack at about 10:30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might have brought it on. I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, 'A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up. A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation--the only trouble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m. After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasms), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR). This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. 'AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening -- we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack! I lowered the foot rest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in a moment. I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics... I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to un-bolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.  I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the radiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like'Have you taken any medications?') but I couldn't make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stints to hold open my right coronary artery. I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stints. Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand.  1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body, not the usual men's symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up... which doesn't happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you've not felt before. It is better to have a 'false alarm'visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!  2. Note that I said 'Call the Paramedics.' And if you can take an aspirin. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER - you are a hazard to others on the road. Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr will be notified later.  3. Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive.  A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. *Please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends (male & female) who you care about!*