A Special Thank You...

As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you all for your educational

e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little

chance of recovery.

 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, 

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying 

about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine 

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving 

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip becauseI can only 

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on 

the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo 

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with 

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub 

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant 

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a 

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered 

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because 

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, 

so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 

seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water 

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring 

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a 

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug 

me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask 

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to 

Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan...

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant 

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a 

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed 

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the 

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in 

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the 

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you 

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it 

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours 

ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's 

beautician!

Oh, and by the way...A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because 

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.. 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY